Here is the third part of ‘The Unknown, Revealing, Right Path’. If you haven’t read the first two parts please make sure to read those as well. Thank you for taking the time to read about my journey.

Oh, this song… when it came on the screen my two girls thought I was crying. Probably didn’t help my husband wrapped his arms around me in that moment. Maybe he sensed I needed it though I was not crying. But the expression on my face and in my eyes said it all: I knew what “darkness” Anna meant.

Oh, how I wish I never knew what she meant, but that is not the case. In more than numerous occasions in this pursuit of another path and even before I set foot out the door to start this journey I have known this feeling of total emptiness… I was so ready to succumb to the darkness. I couldn’t imagine how I would go on.

I can think of more moments than I care to say where my whole existence felt over. One of those moments, I was laying on the floor in the basement of the house I lived wishing for nothing more than to be free of my situation. I was scared and alone. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I wanted to be done. But the idea of leaving paralyzed me as I knew the repercussions would be overwhelming and devastating. And they were…but I did find that strength to rise up and get up off the floor. Even though it was not that day I did eventually find the strength to love myself enough to know I had to go. I left to protect what was left of me. It was a “one-foot-in-front-of-the-other” situation. Putting myself back there is hard, but I am a better person for it. Thankfully, I am learning ways to cope with that trauma. But oh, how dark those days were in the months and years ahead. I stumbled many times over for my sanity and safety in that situation. I prayed continuously for that night to become day as it felt never ending.

Moving forward a couple years from that time, the man who had become the love of life unselfishly decided that as much as he loved me with every part of his being he couldn’t stay with me. He felt that I deserved the opportunity to find someone who wanted to become a step dad as he had not been able to change his heart in that respect in the years we were together. He felt it was unfair to me. And though I knew why, I was devastated. He was my star that guided me and now that had changed. I felt lost. All I could do was wake up each morning and just put one foot in front of the other. What else could I do? Oh, the grief that took over my body. I cried and begged God to bring us together. Mercifully through more life lessons and extreme amounts of prayer, those tears of sadness turned to happy ones as we eloped eight months later.

Then there was the unexpected events that neither of us could of thought would happen… my health was so terrible already, but somehow my body decided to work the time I didn’t want it to. I ended up finding out I was pregnant. And it was the most horrendous thing I ever went through. I don’t know how my body sustained at all and neither did the doctor who found out I literally had nothing to give a baby because of my body’s health crisis. So the baby pulled everything from me. I felt like death, literal death. It was like being trapped in Hell. I waited in the excruciatingly immense pain for death to just take me. I wanted it to at times as I just couldn’t. At the time the doctor didn’t even know if I would make it through emotionally or physically by looking at me and could make no guarantees. For privacy reasons I will not go into the details beyond that, but then came a very near death experience… I never knew a person could feel the way I did and still function or live. I couldn’t believe that those at a hospital could do nothing while I laid there and waited six long hours for them to pull me into surgery. A second felt like an hour. I felt nausea that was not of this world. My body ached with every fiber of my being… I cried out to God over and over “why?” Those seven weeks were some of the longest I had ever experienced with a very lengthy recovery process. I am still recouping from the devastation it wreaked on my body even a year later. All I can do is just take one foot in front of the other and take it a moment at a time.

Though all of these things, and even the moments I didn’t or can’t recant at this time, are in the past I can still know what that pain felt like of such loss, devastation, and utter hopelessness. It’s so agonizing . But I made it through. And how? I give all the glory to God as there is no way I should still be here if it wasn’t for Him. I did it with Him by my side, even if I didn’t understand the “why” of it I got through it and have become a much stronger person for it. And maybe that is all the “why” I’ll ever come to know of it. But I can always know that I did the “next right thing” by never giving up. I have always identified as the phoenix. No matter how many times I get knocked down my warrior spirit never gives in. I will always rise up and do the next right thing.

I know this took longer to post than I originally attended. But here is the second part of ‘The Unknown, Revealing, Right Path’. If you haven’t read the first part definitely check it out!

As I had said I was now on the path I was meant to be…but that didn’t mean that when I decided to go on this new journey it would be an instantaneous transformation. It would take time to become who I was meant to be, though I didn’t know who exactly that was. I was headed into the unknown and I very often felt lost, especially in the beginning. 

As my path was revealed little by little, and as I became stronger in my footing, I became aware of so much about myself and things I could have never foreseen. In my pursuit of this life and path I have had many obstacles to overcome through the years. Mainly trauma… this trauma has plagued me with physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual impairments and scars. I have slowly been starting to heal from these things only through the pursuit of my relationship with God and my ever growing thirst in the knowledge of healing principles and techniques. Through one of my books for a research paper I was working on, I ended up coming across a medical doctor who used different methods of healing for his patients with cancer. One he had first come to encounter before he pursued this route was that some of his patients were using energy healers to shift imbalances and blocks in their body. He was seeing people that shouldn’t even be living adding years in-spite of the cancer or they went into remission. This just fascinated me! I believe there are many ways to heal especially in ways that are unconventional. You will have to understand the years of hell I was put through by the medical community. This part of the story is for another time and place, but know that after repeated instances of giving up on me health wise I was not willing to give up on myself after being written off by numerous doctors and specialists. After reading more stories of success with energy healing I went and found a 30-year veteran in such a modality. (I know you may be wondering how is this connecting to the song but I promise it will!)

After my first session I felt different. I don’t know how to say it. But I went home utterly exhausted like I had just had a procedure and I came out of anesthesia. I was floating, but in a good way. But, it wasn’t until the second session that it happened. I saw her…. I literally saw her. The one who had been beaten, abused, hurt, manipulated, lied to, part of the sinful nature of my life. It was like seeing myself as the girl from the movie, The Ring, but with no clothes, ratted long hair and words dig into her skin such as: fear, hurt, unworthy, abuse… chained to a wall in the dark recesses of my mind. It took some time, but during this session she was freed that day. I remember that things became brighter and a beautiful meadow appeared with me standing in the middle. She then walked by me without a word and passed on to the other side of the meadow. She had gone away. After the session, I was again tired. But this time things had shifted more. I was waking up every day thereafter happy, positive, joyful, and completely renewed.  I felt like I had when I was young when possibilities were endless and there was a hope of the future. I could finally take all these positive messages that I was being sent from others, all the Biblical promises I had known all my life, and truly feel it in my being.

In that moment, I had let go of all that was and finally met the person I was meant to be all along. I had waited for her all my life. She was here. I was always told how amazing I was and could be. In the movie of Frozen 2, Elsa’s sister, Anna, asks her when was she going to realize just how amazing she really was? It wasn’t until that revelation of who she was and was meant to be that she could or did realize it. Since that moment of letting go of all that was holding me back in that dark version of myself, I have come to see daily so much more of who I was always meant to be. I always had dreams of certain aspects in my life, but I could of never imagined where I am now. To have such an impact on other people and their own healing brings immeasurable joy as I know it is where God wants me and where He intended me. All I had been through and who I was would be able to be used to help sympathize and empathize with others. To help them in their own path. Who I had been waiting for all my life was right within me. And I love her. I will never let her light be dimmed by anyone or anything. It is the light of Jesus that illuminates within me to show who I truly am. May it always shine bright and be a beacon to those that need it.

Last week I was traveling down to Asheville to continue with my next module for my 300-hr training. As I was headed down I normally listen to music to keep me going as I’m not much for car trips by myself. As I was trying to decide what to listen to I remembered hearing recently how amazing Frozen 2 was. I was a bit hesitant to listen to it as I hadn’t seen the movie and I literally didn’t want to know anything that would give a major plot line or twist away. I have a huge pet peeve over this. But I decided to chance it.

As I listened my hair on my arms were standing up on edge as I felt chills go down my body. These songs were so powerful, beautiful, and relatable that I could do nothing else but listen to the same songs over and over again until they became stuck on replay in my head .

I have since seen the movie, which is now on my top 3 Disney movies of all times. It was a masterpiece to be sure. And maybe because certain aspects were relatable it’s why I loved it so much. Just as Cinderella (2015) is for me.

But since I listened to these songs I have felt a pull to write about them: why they touched me and how they related to me in a time in my life that I so desperately needed God in the midst of it all. For the next 3 weeks, I will post about one song. These are very personal stories or revelations for me. Some of which I don’t always talk about though I am not revealing every minuscule detail. I’m not quite there yet. But I hope by being more open that good will come from it and it will touch someone’s heart. Maybe it will just make someone know they aren’t the only one. That they aren’t alone in what they have gone through. Or maybe it will just be a personal form of therapy for myself. Whatever it may be, I would love to hear from you. Comment, message, or email me anytime. You’re never alone.

The Unknown Path.

The first song that hit me so unpreparedly was Into the Unknown. I know Disney’s intent was never for someone to relate to a song in such a fashion, but it was like as if when Elsa sang my life started to play out before me.

My life years ago was a complete and utter wreck. My whole life was in turmoil from years of poor relationship choices, self-neglect, and rebellion. But I did not want to listen to the ever growing voice inside me from the Holy Spirit calling out as I was so far from Him. I could hear that still small voice tugging at my heart saying “You know this isn’t right. This is not what I intended for you.” It wasn’t always blatant, but sometimes it was. Sometimes it was just a physical tug at my heart. But I did not want to change my path. I was determined to do things my way. I was an adult now. No one was going to stop me. Not to mention I was in a disastrous marriage that both of us were on destructive paths feeding into each other’s sins and devastation.

All I wanted was that voice to go away so the guilt of leading such a life would go away. I was afraid to let go of the life I was on. I was afraid to lose what I thought I wanted. I thought if I followed God and His calling I’d be missing out… Though I had no idea what that truly even was or could of imagined at the time, I had put it in my head that I knew better. Sometimes I would try to convince myself that I wasn’t hearing this voice inside me. That it didn’t want the best for me and only wanted things I did not.

Oh, how wrong I was! It was through someone who is now the most important earthly relationship I have that I saw God and how love truly was and is. I saw the light of Jesus in them and when I saw that true nature I started to listen to that voice that was calling out to me. Though I didn’t know where it would lead that voice knew I was not where I was meant to be. I had gone very astray and I just wanted to get back to that unknown path that would always be lead by my Savior. I knew I would never know where exactly it would lead but I would be doing so with Him by my side, fighting for me the whole way. I longed to let go of my past and run into the unknown. My fire was starting to burn so much for that adventure and I realized how wrong I had been. I finally decided to fight back at all costs to find this path. It took every ounce of strength and courage I had at the time to be brave enough to take the first step towards it. It was scary to say the least. It was not an easy path, no adventure worth taking ever is. But oh my… what an adventure it has been. The mountains and valleys I’ve faced to be here. And though it took me a long while to find Him on this path, I followed His voice until I was lead to Him. For the first time in my life my footing is more sure as I move forward each day. My anxieties and fears despite the trauma and damage is so much better than it was. I finally have a clearer picture of who I was meant to be and what I was made for as I follow His plans and ways. I am excited each day I awake just to see what He will reveal and what He has planned for me. I’m forever grateful that the Holy Spirit never gave up on me and continually and passionately called out to me from the unknown to make my path more known. I may have strayed oh so far away, but I was not a lost cause. I may have made a mess of my life but He has restored me. Now I am here holding His hand as we run together—what is for Him the known, and for me the unknown until He reveals each new stepping stone along the way—and that is the way it always was meant to be.

Many of you know that I have been in training in Trauma Sensitive Yoga recently as part of my 300-HR training. So, I am pleased to announce and offer the first class through Empower Counseling, PC in Forest, VA. The event will take place on December 9 at 5:45 – 6:30pm. This initial class will be free. There is limited availability so sign up today by calling them at (434) 219-5621.

So I have just returned from my first module (out of 11) this weekend from Asheville, NC. I don’t know if I can put it all into words and I will try to keep it from becoming extremely long winded. To just say upfront it was a moment of being in awe. Throughout the whole 200-HR experience, I remember the 300-HR modules getting this amazing room for training, not to mention having hours I would of much preferred for training. It was this feeling of “You made it!” when I got there. When I walked into the room I saw quite a sight. I am used to about 20-25 people training with me and this weekend was mind blowing with 41 women training and 10 presenters being in the room. There was so much different energy, expectations, and life experience there you could feel it. I was honored to be apart of this module not only as it was the first time they had run this module, but to have been there at all. A friend that I trained with in my 200-HR happened to be there and said that they told her she was 17^th on the waiting list! I was able to get in as someone else had dropped out last minute. I knew in that moment, even more than I already did, that God wanted me there and I would learn invaluable tools and techniques to take with me.

This module was called Light a Path: Trauma Informed Training. Though they covered some things that were not why I went, the information I did need was so impactful. I was able to learn how to run a trauma sensitive yoga class. If I had not gone I can only imagine the amount of ways a person could trigger someone without meaning to. Not only that but had many answers to how I was impacted in my health by the traumas I suffered. If nothing else this was worth the whole trip. I could now understand how deeply a trauma could take someone and how it allows them to disconnect from their own body. The body can betray a person, therefore we break away from it internally and lose trust in it.

Through the training, I was also able to see a old friend, make new connections, and start new friendships. Belinda was from my 200-HR training and we also finished up in an immersion as we both had missed some time in our original group. We made a connection with Maisy as we all sat together for this amazing weekend. I was then blessed to meet Natalie whom I was able to find a connection with as our hearts both wanted to serve those from abuse (domestic, sexual, etc). We made our own group when everyone else split off into their respective groups of working with the incarcerated, seniors, recovery, and youth. All of these are so admirable and wonderful groups to work with, but my heart is with those that go through these things. I have been there and my family has been there. I want to reach out into my community and give those that have been through this a place to come to to find safety and connection to their body and inner being once again. Natalie was also able to connect me to another in my state that does work with those in this situation so hopefully that will be another training to look into down the line. (I wish I had gotten a picture with her!)

All in all, it was a beautiful weekend connecting to beautiful souls. I will continue to read and research this particular yoga. I feel it has many benefits for so many groups of people. I even actually preferred this style for myself. Maybe it was because I’ve experienced trauma so it was soothing and healing to my body and soul. And just to add, on the first night Sierra Hollister lead us through a practice that was so inviting and comforting that I almost fell asleep in Savasana! My eyes were so heavy I couldn’t even open them. It was a testament of the practice to be sure.

I will be leaving to my next module on December 4. This time it will be Therapeutic Wisdom of Yoga by Doug Keller for 4 days. I’ve heard glowing recommendations about it, and even that those that take it want to take it multiple times (some actually have)! Anticipation is immense! Until the next time <3

I started the amazing journey this week of starting my 300-HR. It was a complete whirlwind as I was praying about two different trainings altogether. But God knows where I need to be to be the best I can for Him and what my students and future clients will need. I didn’t think I’d be starting this till next year and in a surprise turn of event I was able to start right away and get into a sold out module that had a last minute opening. I am super excited about this and being able to serve the community of my area with this training in Trauma Sensitive Yoga. This particular training is sponsored by Light a Path. Check out their website (lightapath.org) to learn more about them and what they do. This will still take place at my alma mater: Asheville Yoga Center. I have a total of 11 modules to complete to receive my 300-HR. So this is just the first step.

For my Yoga Goodness students: I did have to find a sub for my class for Thursday evening in order to make this happen with all there is to do before leaving. I am blessed that Leslie Davis was able to step in. Thank you for all you do Leslie!

I hope you all will follow my journey as I complete each module over the course of this next year.

Day 10 of #AloSelfReflect: the self-reflection subject and asana is yogi’s choice.

“Santosha, or contentment, means keeping a positive attitude in difficult times. We can choose to wallow in darkness and difficulty, or we can rise above our challenges and see them as opportunities for transformation and the discovery of immense and lasting joy. The more we choose contentment, the more we are able to grow.”

I chose this particular self-reflection as I finally dealt with my demons. I was in my YTT and went up to an instructor I extremely respect for his wisdom. I told him I wish I could be where he was with this beautiful cabin in the woods and a stream on the land. I kept trying to get to that point so I could finally find rest. Right then and there he said, “[You need to stop looking at what you don’t have, what you didn’t get to accomplish. Look at what you have right now, find happiness and contentment in that. Look to your family. Find the joy in that. Everything else will come when it’s meant to.]” His words really hit me. On the drive home it’s all I could think about. So I went home and went through my whole life and wrote down every disappointment I had gone through and what I had wished for myself but it never came to past. I cut them into pieces and then individually burned each one letting go of that past so I could find contentment in the here and now. And let me tell you it was a turning point in my life. Everyone should do that. I have since been to an experienced person in energy restructuring as well to help my blocked energy so I would stop getting in my own way. Between these two things my life has made the biggest turn I’ve ever seen. I’m more content and truly joyful for the first time ever. I am blessed in just being able to be alive and live this life. I am finally content. I have goals and things I want to do but I am also okay in this present moment and knowing I am happy just as I am.

Day 9 of #AloSelfReflect: the self-reflection subject is self-care and the asana is any twist. “Self-care means giving yourself permission to pause.” Today I made it to my second day in a row of yoga class. And all I could think was “why did I go so long without this?!” Never put off taking care of yourself. We do not get this time back. We do not get another opportunity to live in those moments where we just kept putting ourselves last over and over. When we do self-care we are able to give so much more because we have more to draw on from that renewal of our spirit. I know I want to give everyone in my life the best version of me. And that means spending time on me. It’s not selfish. It’s necessary.

“Caring for your body, mind, and spirit is your greatest and grandest responsibility. It’s about listening to the needs of your soul and then honoring them.”—Kristi Ling

I chose Pigeon Twist as it’s not an asana I’ve tried before knowingly but I used to do this as a kid and teen a lot. Who knew I was doing yoga even then?😊 My body knew even then what it needed 

Day 8 of #AloSelfReflect: the self-reflection subject is balance and the asana is standing balance. Since graduating my 200-HR, I have really been trying to figure out that balance to all the different facets of my life: personal life of kids and spouse, yoga, work, so on and so forth. I’ve not figured everything out yet, but I feel I’m learning myself and realizing before things go too far or get too crazy. That’s a big step for me. Just like today… I finally got myself back to yoga classes for my own self as I’ve realized I have not balanced out that time for myself. I need it for my health as well as my physical and emotional being. During class all I could think and feel was “I’m home”. If I wouldn’t have recognized needing that balance I wouldn’t have gone and I wouldn’t have gotten that time I needed to balance that “on-the-go” lifestyle. But it took me choosing to make that time and creating that balance for myself. I’m hoping to get back to these things for myself as it makes a world of difference. Never feel like taking time out for yourself is not okay. We all have responsibilities but we also have a responsibility to ourself. We are needed for other people, but we can’t draw from an empty well. “Balance is not something you find, it‘s something you create.” (Check out my before and after of Big Toe Pose from 2 months ago!)

The self-reflection subject is work and the asana is hamstring stretch. I mentioned the other day about trying to switch my job from freelance graphic designer to a career as a yoga instructor (eventually therapist) in a previous post. In order to get there not only do I need time and patience, but it takes work…hard work. I know if I put in that effort I will get where I want. I will achieve that goal I’m so looking for. I don’t want to be in a job I hate or that I promised myself I’d never have. One that never fulfills my heart or passion. I want my life to be fulfilled in all aspects including work. There’s nothing like knowing what you do and pour your heart and soul into is helping others and touching their lives. I couldn’t ask for anything more than that. I know this is what I’m meant to do and what God has called me to.

“I press toward the mark for the prize of the high calling of God in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 3:14