The Unknown, Revealing, Right Path Pt. 3January 13, 2020
Here is the third part of ‘The Unknown, Revealing, Right Path’. If you haven’t read the first two parts please make sure to read those as well. Thank you for taking the time to read about my journey.
Oh, this song… when it came on the screen my two girls thought I was crying. Probably didn’t help my husband wrapped his arms around me in that moment. Maybe he sensed I needed it though I was not crying. But the expression on my face and in my eyes said it all: I knew what “darkness” Anna meant.
Oh, how I wish I never knew what she meant, but that is not the case. In more than numerous occasions in this pursuit of another path and even before I set foot out the door to start this journey I have known this feeling of total emptiness… I was so ready to succumb to the darkness. I couldn’t imagine how I would go on.
I can think of more moments than I care to say where my whole existence felt over. One of those moments, I was laying on the floor in the basement of the house I lived wishing for nothing more than to be free of my situation. I was scared and alone. I didn’t want to hurt anymore. I wanted to be done. But the idea of leaving paralyzed me as I knew the repercussions would be overwhelming and devastating. And they were…but I did find that strength to rise up and get up off the floor. Even though it was not that day I did eventually find the strength to love myself enough to know I had to go. I left to protect what was left of me. It was a “one-foot-in-front-of-the-other” situation. Putting myself back there is hard, but I am a better person for it. Thankfully, I am learning ways to cope with that trauma. But oh, how dark those days were in the months and years ahead. I stumbled many times over for my sanity and safety in that situation. I prayed continuously for that night to become day as it felt never ending.
Moving forward a couple years from that time, the man who had become the love of life unselfishly decided that as much as he loved me with every part of his being he couldn’t stay with me. He felt that I deserved the opportunity to find someone who wanted to become a step dad as he had not been able to change his heart in that respect in the years we were together. He felt it was unfair to me. And though I knew why, I was devastated. He was my star that guided me and now that had changed. I felt lost. All I could do was wake up each morning and just put one foot in front of the other. What else could I do? Oh, the grief that took over my body. I cried and begged God to bring us together. Mercifully through more life lessons and extreme amounts of prayer, those tears of sadness turned to happy ones as we eloped eight months later.
Then there was the unexpected events that neither of us could of thought would happen… my health was so terrible already, but somehow my body decided to work the time I didn’t want it to. I ended up finding out I was pregnant. And it was the most horrendous thing I ever went through. I don’t know how my body sustained at all and neither did the doctor who found out I literally had nothing to give a baby because of my body’s health crisis. So the baby pulled everything from me. I felt like death, literal death. It was like being trapped in Hell. I waited in the excruciatingly immense pain for death to just take me. I wanted it to at times as I just couldn’t. At the time the doctor didn’t even know if I would make it through emotionally or physically by looking at me and could make no guarantees. For privacy reasons I will not go into the details beyond that, but then came a very near death experience… I never knew a person could feel the way I did and still function or live. I couldn’t believe that those at a hospital could do nothing while I laid there and waited six long hours for them to pull me into surgery. A second felt like an hour. I felt nausea that was not of this world. My body ached with every fiber of my being… I cried out to God over and over “why?” Those seven weeks were some of the longest I had ever experienced with a very lengthy recovery process. I am still recouping from the devastation it wreaked on my body even a year later. All I can do is just take one foot in front of the other and take it a moment at a time.
Though all of these things, and even the moments I didn’t or can’t recant at this time, are in the past I can still know what that pain felt like of such loss, devastation, and utter hopelessness. It’s so agonizing . But I made it through. And how? I give all the glory to God as there is no way I should still be here if it wasn’t for Him. I did it with Him by my side, even if I didn’t understand the “why” of it I got through it and have become a much stronger person for it. And maybe that is all the “why” I’ll ever come to know of it. But I can always know that I did the “next right thing” by never giving up. I have always identified as the phoenix. No matter how many times I get knocked down my warrior spirit never gives in. I will always rise up and do the next right thing.